Elena’s birth story
It was the end of the school day Tuesday, November 15, 2005. The weight of the baby was becoming increasingly more difficult to carry. I noticed the previous weekend that I’d become more swollen than ever before. I decided to ask permission to miss the faculty meeting because I was feeling so bad and I knew that I should go directly home and put my feet up if I were going to make it to work the following day. I remember crying as I asked my principal this.
On Wednesday morning I noticed a rash and for the first time the swelling did not go down as it had usually done through the night. Even my face was swollen. I didn’t feel right; I felt much too uncomfortable for it to be normal. The truth was that I felt awful, and I could not possibly see how I would make it through one more month this way. This terrible feeling prompted me to make an unscheduled appointment to see Bari, my midwife. I left work early for the appointment intending to return to work.
After examining me, Bari suggested I cut down work hours but I wanted to make it until Thanksgiving break at least. So she instructed me to go straight home everyday and do nothing else but put my feet up as soon as I got home. I was on my way out the door when Bari noticed I was still uneasy. She asked if I felt the baby moving the same and I hesitated to respond so I was put on a fetal movement monitor. The movement did not look as she and the Doctor hoped it would so then an ultrasound was done. It was determined that the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby was very low and it would be necessary to perform an induction that day. I was shocked and upset, I began to cry. All these months I’d been preparing for a natural childbirth. I couldn’t believe what I was told, and I was not mentally prepared to have a baby that night. I was only 36 weeks!! I had a month to go and my baby would be premature.
Luckily I had packed my bags and the baby’s the previous weekend. My intention was to do it over Thanksgiving break but it was as if something told me to do it sooner. In addition the same feeling prompted me to write my lesson plans the previous week through December 12th my expected due date. I called Omar upset and let him know that I’d been ordered to check myself into the hospital immediately. I was not even allowed to go home. It was the strangest feeling to have arrived to the hospital alone with nothing for me or the baby and without contractions. When the nurse asked if I was ready to have this baby, I cried again. I was so afraid of delivering this early. Omar arrived later with everything.
As I lay on the hospital bed I feared the worst--a c-section, unsuccessful breastfeeding, no bonding time with the baby, etc. I was a mess of emotions as Omar tried to comfort me. That evening I was given a drug to thin my cervix. I was checked periodically for dilation through the night. I was still only 1cm dilated. I was then given pitocin the hormone that would begin labor. Then my water was broken. Sometime later the contractions began. They were so painful that I cried at every surge. Although Bari suggested I get the epidural because the unnatural start of labor through pitocin is more painful, I decided to wait it out until the Dr. examined how far I was dilated. I was afraid the epidural might stall the labor. The wait was excruciating. Finally, the doctor came and checked my cervix. I was 3cm dilated. At that point I decided to get the epidural. The pain of the contractions was so great that I could hardly remember the process of the epidural. I knew it was not instant relief but it came soon enough. I fell asleep from the relief and exhaustion of the pain. Barely 15 minutes later I began to feel contractions again. Each time they came stronger but I doubted that I was feeling them. Suddenly that excruciating pain was back and I found myself helpless in pain again. The anesthesiologist could not be found. When he came back he increased the dosage but to no avail!! I couldn’t believe this was happening. I had read about hot spots—places where the epidural doesn’t numb you but I was still surprised. The anesthesiologist decided to start the epidural all over again. The good thing about the 2nd administration was that I didn’t felt the injection since this part of my body was numb. After injecting me the 2nd time around the anesthesiologist asked if I could still feel the contractions. I remember saying yes and still crying from the pain, but I guess after a while it got better because the contractions were there but less intense and I managed to fall asleep. Suddenly Bari was there and told me I was 10cm dilated and I could begin pushing. I couldn’t believe this. The time had come and my baby would soon be out, but as I began pushing I felt no progress. The baby was not in position in the birth canal where it should be. She was up too high and all my pushing was to get her down to the cervix. I remember asking how much longer. My legs were tired, and I felt so exhausted and without energy. I had not eaten or drank anything for 24 hours. I was in so much pain. Dr. Appleton asked why I didn’t get the epidural and at that moment Bari told her how it had not worked. I felt it all and verbalized this often. Omar continued to coach me and Bari continued to reassure me that the end was near. I began to feel pain in my lower back (It took me almost 2 weeks to realize that at this point I’d broken my tailbone). I kept asking for ice but I was told to continue to push. All of sudden I saw Bari and Dr. Appleton get ready as if to prepare to deliver a baby. Yes, yes it was as if the entire time I didn’t quite believe I would deliver this baby. It was at that moment that a new strength came over me. I knew that if they were getting ready with gloves and all that it must be true. She’s there, my sweet baby must be there—her little head just waiting for that last push. Only it was actually several pushes and then there she was. Bari asked, “ Do you want to see your baby’s head? I looked and there below was a head full of hair turned sideways. I could already see that she resembled my mother’s mother. Bari told me to follow her lead in the last push but I couldn’t bare the pain any longer and the need to push was inevitable. When I did, it happened, the baby was out and I felt incredible relief, but more than relief I felt resolve that I’d conquered the most difficult thing in my entire life…that I had the strength to do something I didn’t know I could do. But, I didn’t hear the baby and they didn’t hand her to me. I asked if she was a boy or girl, and I learned she was a girl—Elena Isabel. Still no baby in my arms. I was so incredibly exhausted but I could hear them say, “wake up baby, wake up.” I asked if she was okay and it was at that moment that she was taken. I heard them say lets take her so mom is not worried and before I knew it she was gone. It didn’t make sense to be less worried without her but the exhaustion was just so great that I didn’t question it. I just thought it in my head. And it wasn’t that I didn’t want her either, but I was in such disarray over the turn of events. All I had seen of her was her sweet head as she was coming out of me.
I continued to ask for Elena that night but instead immediately following her birth, I was wheeled to get an X-ray of my heart. Apparently my preeclampsia became bad enough as I was about to deliver that they were concerned about congestive heart failure. Luckily, preeclampsia is cured by delivery of the baby. The x-ray and the sonogram of my heart the next morning confirmed that no further damage was done. Omar was allowed to go see Elena in PICU during my x-ray. Later that night, they finally brought her to me. I can’t remember much as I guess by that point the adrenaline was gone and I was feeling the full effect of all the medication, but I remember her bright eyes. The nurses had told me she was unalert and unresponsive and there was no point in nursing but I didn’t know otherwise and those wide wyes with their gaze told me she knew me and she knew my voice when I said hello. It was then that I finally cried with joy.
The next few days proved to be the most trying ever as I struggled to nurse Elena in PICU. She ended up with jaundice and by the 5th day in the hospital Omar and I had to go home without her. It was so hard to leave her there, but I was determined to continue nursing and for the next two days we drove back and forth for her every 3 hour feeding including the night ones. I had to mentally recover fast if I was going to be able to do this physically. Finally after 7 days in the hospital Elena was allowed to come home. It was so silly because I’d been officially released but they still made me follow the rule of not being allowed to leave without being wheeled out in the wheelchair. So after days of going back and forth they still wheeled us out in the wheelchair. I was so thankful to be taking our baby home but we still had some difficult days ahead because we had to rent a billirubin light since Elena’s jaundice levels were still not low enough.We had to take her to the hospital each day to get poked and checked for the levels to decrease. We were told she was to have this light on her under her clothes for 24 hours and it could only be removed for feedings. It was about a week and a half that I couldn’t hold Elena close to me without that annoying light thing between us, but I was just glad to be home as a family finally without nurses and others all around.
Although Elena’s birth came unexpectedly and with many unexpected trials along the way, we were blessed to bring our sweet baby girl into this world. Even through all our struggles in PICU I knew that I had to keep trying to do what I knew was right for Elena. I knew I loved Elena from the moment I felt her move inside me and not being able to see her as much a newborn should see her mother in the hours and days preceding the birth, made each visit with Elena in PICU so meaningful and memorable to me. With Omar’s help, Elena and I had peaceful nursing sessions that formed our strong bond. And in the end that is what made this birth experience worth it.
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